Contrary to popular belief, it is inaccurate to think of people as divided into two groups: 1, those who (because they are less healthy) need psychotherapy; and 2, those who (because they are more healthy) have no such need. Rather, our human population is comprised of those who are healthy enough to recognize that expert assistance would probably be helpful and those who are not healthy enough to recognize this fact, or to accept that it applies to them personally. The notion that consumers of mental health services are "less than" with respect to what is "normal" is simply false. One does well to be clear about this. Faking it without making it is never the best option. Choose well.
Who Am I Really? (Some thoughts on my web presence)
I have at least three website listings that I am personally involved in constructing. One is at Theravive.com. I’m not in charge of the format there, but I use their facilities as best I can. Another is at https://sussmanpsychological.business.site (this is my Google Business website.) And finally, of course, there is this one. If you seek accurate information about me as a professional on the web, these are the places to find it. I’m pretty open about who I am and what I do.
In my line of work I am professionally and ethically committed to client confidentiality. I do not seek (in fact, where I can, I prohibit) client endorsement or criticism. In the case of criticism, I am powerless to reply because of concerns over confidentiality. In the case of endorsements, any educated person is likely to know that these have absolutely zero scientific value or merit. So, neither endorsement nor criticism is useful. For these reasons I am not a voluntary participant, and am in fact completely uninvolved in the workings where any website solicits endorsements or critical comments from clients.
The working header for this piece of blogwork (Who am I Really?) sounds like an existential question, because it is. I’m musing right now on what happens when my name is entered into a search engine. As far as I know, I’m the only Dr. Paul S. Sussman in Edmonton. Yet what appears in the search results is that I’m an occupational therapist as well. Also, some websites seem to have (I hope automatically) extracted from mine a set of inaccurate characteristics regarding my work as a therapist, specifically with respect to specializations and such. I guess this is an example of the workings of what people call “artificial intelligence.”
I have it to my credit that, decades ago while I was a Ph.D. candidate at Carleton University, I opined to several witnesses that artificial stupidity would come to progress much more rapidly than would artificial intelligence. This is so because while computers can make stupid decisions on their own (and at a mind-boggling rate of speed,) a good programmer must specify in detail intelligent operations for any computer to be able to make them. I think my statements back then have proven almost prophetic.
If you want more information than is available on the sites to which I contribute, you can always call me on the telephone. Talk a while. See how that goes.
Direct contact: what a concept!
Warmth and light to you.
The Art of Bearing Witness
Have you ever noticed that a question mark is a bent exclamation point? This reflects the reality that a question is a command in disguise. If I ask “What is your name?” i am in reality saying “You: Tell me your name!” I am ordering you to reply. Ordering is harsh business. The harshness inherent in the question can easily startle the other into lying. While I admit that the harshness evident in a command is less evident in the question, there is another format that I believe conveys the same message with as close to zero harshness as language permits.
The trick is to format the message so the subject of the sentence is “I” and not “You.” This cannot be done in the format of a question. So, one can make a statement: “I’m wondering what your name is.” This statement discloses one personal reason someone might have for asking, if they were to ask; specifically it discloses that they are wondering. In offering this information, the seeker abandons the unnecessary and often off-putting “high ground” of “You: Tell me first!” It implicitly permits the respondent to say “Well, go ahead and wonder because I’m not telling you” if that’s their preference. However, in allowing the respondent to choose, it feels more permissive; softer, if you will. I think approaching the communication process in this soft way, it is more likely the other will feel like joining in by sharing. I suspect every question a person might want answered can be formatted instead as a statement that begins with the disclosure of wonder.
When relationships are troubled, often at least one partner feels as if they are being interrogated. The partner who is wondering often loses that sense of wonder and falls instead into the role of inquisitor. Framing questions as statements of wonder can completely change for the better the atmosphere surrounding the communication process for everyone involved.
I’m wondering if you’ll try it.
If you please, let me know
I use a number of different spaces on the web to make these services known to people. I hope they work. If you do seek me out as a result of this listing, I would appreciate it if you could let me know. That way, I can see what methods seem to help me communicate with interested people. Just mention having visited sussmanpsychological.com.
I hope you are enjoying this season, and also I hope to hear from you.
On Normalcy
Clients often describe a behavior or an emotional experience and ask me “Is that normal?” Normal is not to seek the primary cause. Normal is to ignore primary causes and accept symptomatic relief even when it is addictive, even when it has not been thoroughly tested, even the tests that have been conducted lack necessary rigor and control. Normal is a service station washroom. Normal is doing what your parents did because it’s more comfortable to do that than to risk doing something else. My answer is to reassure clients that I don’t intend to go anywhere near normal. Wellness is as normal as being an Olympics athlete. Normal is ordinary. I suggest we head off in a different direction, toward the extraordinary.
Rainer Maria Rilke
I would like to beg you to have patience with everything
unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions
themselves as if they were locked rooms
or books in a very foreign language.
Don’t search for answers which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them,
and the point is to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Charles Bukowski
Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?
Daniell Koepke
Despite what you may believe, you can disappoint people and still be good enough. You can make mistakes and still be capable and talented. You can let people down and still be worthwhile and deserving of love. Everyone has disappointed someone they care about. Everyone messes up, lets people down, and makes mistakes. Not because we’re inadequate or fundamentally inept, but because we’re imperfect and fundamentally human. Expecting anything different is setting yourself up for failure.
Chamtrul Rinpoche
“Your path may be different to your family, friends, and country. But, despite what they may think, it does not mean that you are going in the wrong direction.”