Have you ever noticed that a question mark is a bent exclamation point? This reflects the reality that a question is a command in disguise. If I ask “What is your name?” i am in reality saying “You: Tell me your name!” I am ordering you to reply. Ordering is harsh business. The harshness inherent in the question can easily startle the other into lying. While I admit that the harshness evident in a command is less evident in the question, there is another format that I believe conveys the same message with as close to zero harshness as language permits.

The trick is to format the message so the subject of the sentence is “I” and not “You.” This cannot be done in the format of a question. So, one can make a statement: “I’m wondering what your name is.” This statement discloses one personal reason someone might have for asking, if they were to ask; specifically it discloses that they are wondering. In offering this information, the seeker abandons the unnecessary and often off-putting “high ground” of “You: Tell me first!” It implicitly permits the respondent to say “Well, go ahead and wonder because I’m not telling you” if that’s their preference. However, in allowing the respondent to choose, it feels more permissive; softer, if you will. I think approaching the communication process in this soft way, it is more likely the other will feel like joining in by sharing. I suspect every question a person might want answered can be formatted instead as a statement that begins with the disclosure of wonder.

When relationships are troubled, often at least one partner feels as if they are being interrogated. The partner who is wondering often loses that sense of wonder and falls instead into the role of inquisitor. Framing questions as statements of wonder can completely change for the better the atmosphere surrounding the communication process for everyone involved.

I’m wondering if you’ll try it.